Our Fair Malfoys
by mrs.milfoy
Summary: Well...it's a musical. Really. No! I'm serious! A musical twisted Oedipal love story with murder! Holy hickory smoked flavoring! You have to read this!
1. Acts I and II

Please. Just bear with me here. I have lost my mind and absolutely have to do this. Blame writing too much Bellatrix LeStrange. Use your imaginations in this piece. I wish like hell I could express what this is truly like in my head, but words are so limited. Whatever the case, it's just for fun. I hope you get a chuckle or two!

Our Fair Malfoys

**Act I: Meet the Malfoys**

Narrator: Well, hello, flies! Welcome to the walls of Malfoy Manor. What an auspicious time you've chosen to visit. Looks as though there's some celebration afoot – at least for the master of the house. That's him – the long-haired dapper fellow, fresh from his Death Eater trial, dancing down the steps and singing…

_Tempo here is quick. Lots of crashing cymbals – Streisand-ish._

LM (Track One: Not Guilty)

"Hey! They say I'm not guilty!

Hey! I say they don't know me!

And what they don't know won't hurt 'em.

At least, isn't that what you always said, mum?"

_Lucius winks up at a portrait of an old witch. The portrait winks back. He tap dances into the dining hall, swinging his cane._

LM

"Well, you know the best thing about money?

Is that it can even buy clemency!

Ha ha ha! Hee hee hee!

Hey! They say I'm not guilty!"

_He leaps onto the dining table and does a step routine. Tempo slows. Enter Narcissa in loose, white chiffon._

NM

"I've never seen a grown man act so immature.

Can't keep your guiltless feet off of my fine furniture?"

_Lucius prat-falls to the floor and takes Narcissa by the hand. A Fred and Ginger moment emerges._

LM

"Narcissa my darling, oh what shall we do?

I'm a man free of Azkaban and you're looking lovely."

_He dips her dramatically and she squeals._

NM

"Goddess help me!

You're a cad, Lucius Malfoy!"

LM

"Oh, but could I be sweeter?"

_He leads her lithely from the room._

"Come on to bed with your dearest Death Eater."

_Exit Lucius and Narcissa. Enter Draco in black slacks, white Oxford, suspenders and bowler hat – a la Clockwork Orange_. _Style takes a turn towards heavy rock music._

DM (Track 2: Shudder to Think)

(scoffs) "Well isn't that just nice?

Wouldn't you think you met

My dear old dad

And his loving wife?

HAH!"

_He kicks over a chair, balances on its legs and sinks into a crouch._

"Don't be fooled, kids!

He's a slimy piece of work.

A murderer, a torturer,

An arse-buggering berk!"

_He looks up the stairs after them as the music slows into a ballad. Strokes his chin._

"But she's a different story…

No simpering husband's whore. See…

She's good to me, my mother.

I love her like no other.

And there are words

One shall never utter, but…

The thought of her beneath him now just

Makes me

Fucking shudder."

_Music picks up again, heavier now. Draco stomps to the bottom of the stairs, looks up, tears his shirt open a la A Streetcar Named Desire_. _He shouts his lyrics._

"MOTHER!

Don't you dare believe

One tender touch is true.

I know that man would just as soon kill you

As fulfill you!"

_He storms back to the table, summarily pushing or kicking over chairs to the pounding drums._

"But all the lies he's told

will soon be burned away,

by the fire of a secret

we keep hidden like the plague!

I can't take it now!

I say it now!

Feels better when it's

OUT LOUD!"

_He crawls up the table, catlike, seething. The music breaks down to a seductive bass drum and tapping cymbal._

"She's good to me, my mother.

I love her like no other.

And the words one shall never utter?"

_He dips his pelvis low to the table, tips his hat over one eye and chuckles low and deep in his chest._

"The thought of her

beneath me now just

makes me

fucking

shudder."

_Stage gradually darkens on his final words. Black._

**Act II: Sunning**

_Morning in a bright solarium. Narcissa is humming and pruning flowers in a taut bodice and high-necked gown of white satin – bridelike. Her a cappella humming turns into a symphony of string and piano accompaniment._

NM (Track Three: Proper Sun)

"These blossoms turn to face the light of every day.

They're free to just enjoy the warmth and have their play."

_She sighs. A lonely harp plays._

"How I envy every petal…

Frozen ice,

Smelted metal

Are the things that I am made of.

Wishing,

Hoping

For the sun to come, please and take the chill off."

_She startles at a sound and turns to see Draco leaning cockily in the doorway._

DM

"You called?"

NM (nervously)

"I never called you!"

_Draco walks toward her. The rock music blends with her symphonic._

DM

"Oh! I thought that you said 'son, come please,' see."

_He's very close – invading her personal space. She turns away flustered._

NM

"I meant the proper sun, please. See, son?"

_He turns her sharply toward him, takes her arms. The music intensifies. Tempo speeds up._

DM

"Are you saying I am not a proper son, please? See, mum?"

NM

"Don't put words into my mouth!"

DM

"I'll put my tongue into your mouth!"

NM

"Not here! Not now! Your father!"

DM

"Is in his study and can't be bothered!"

NM

"He'll be down for lunch by chimes of noon!"

DM

"I'll make you come ten times by noon!

You want me mother.

Don't say no."

NM

"I do! I don't!

Oh, gods!

Draco!"

_He kisses her harshly. Music culminates to a ringing cacophany as the two crumble to the floor in a heated embrace. This side stage darkens as opposite stage brightens on Lucius Malfoy in his dreary study. He is smoking a cigar with his feet propped on a desk. Insert traditional, Disney-ish tune._

LM (Track Four: My Home)

"Back in my home,

swathed in comfort.

Back in my home,

Dressed for success!

Any fool with brains of stool

Could clearly see

Azkaban is simply no place for me!"

_He rises and paces jauntily about, gesturing to fine furnishings._

"Here in my home,

I'm man of the house.

Here in my home,

I own every mouse!

And if I'm feeling rather sick,

The cure is quick –

I just summon up an elf to kick!"

_He snaps his fingers and an elf appears._

Elf

"Yes, master?"

_Lucius kicks it into the door, which bursts open into the hallway. Still jaunty, Lucius walks out._

LM

"Only at home,

a pretty, doting wife.

Only at home,

She's with me every night!

Should her mouth ever be smart –

The dear little tart –

She'll learn the wisdom that my cane emparts!"

_Music swirls as Lucius prances down the stairs, twirls through the enormous entry hall and shoves through the front doors. On the lawn, the sun glimmers on his hair and he marches onto the grass. Music builds to a quickstep. As Lucius marches to the beat, white peacocks gather at his feet, following him en masse._

LM

"Look at my home!

Grand and verbose!

Look at my home!

As perfect as a rose!"

_The peacocks begin to sing in chorus, heads swaying in time._

PEACOCKS

"He's pefect as a rose!"

LM

"Even my birds appreciate

I'm consummate

And follow me like I'm their fate!

They know a secret, too,

That I'll embue…"

_Drumroll._

LM

"Without me,

my home will rot and rue!"

_Flourish of peacocks proudly displaying and Lucius with arms raised victorious._

**AN:** Acts III and IV to come soon...if you think you can tolerate them.


	2. Acts III and IV

Our Fair Malfoys

**Act III: Just Desserts**

_Stage brightens on the Malfoy dining table. The family is seated to a meal – Lucius at head of table, Draco at his right, Narcissa at left. Draco is singing a low ballad, unnoticed by his parents._

DM (Track Five: One More Formal Dinner)

"If I'm to endure

one more formal dinner, I'm sure

I shall go mad.

Stiff and scratchy

Shirts and such make for a truly

Unhappy lad."

_He regards his mother intensely across the table. She returns the sultry look._

"How would she have me, then?

Without his

ever watchful eyes?

I'll tell you:

Naked save for sheets

And her thighs."

_Narcissa sighs. Draco cuts eyes at Lucius, who gives his son a questioning brow._

LM

"Is everything alright, son?"

DM

"Yes, father. Fine, father."

LM

"You look somewhat tired, son."

DM

"Up late last night, father."

LM

"Well understood, son." _Lucius' eyes slide meaningfully to Narcissa. She blushes._

"I was up late myself, rather."

_Tempo increases. Music builds. Draco returns to his ignored song, no longer a ballad but a jazzy rhetoric._

DM

"Disgusting old lecher!

Doesn't appreciate her!

All he does is fuck her

And expect her to soften.

Happens too often.

I'm tired of it and thinkin'

Maybe what we need

Is a solid plan of action.

An intriguing machination

To remove him from his station –

To release the hold he holds within her."

_Draco's eyes narrow. The stage darkens til just his countenance is lit menacingly. The music pauses, then fades into the original ballad._

"Before one more

Fucking formal dinner,

I'll just maybe

kill my father…"

_Stage falls entirely into black. Lightens again on the upstairs. Narcissa sits before her vanity in a long red satin nightgown, brushing her hair and humming a reprise of Proper Sun. Lucius makes a grand show of undressing and putting on his pajamas in the background. H is Rogers and Hammerstein-esque power piece slowly drowns her hum._

LM (Track Six: Pursuit of Perfection)

"In all my days I've never seen

a more stunning human being

than you, my lovely wife.

Well…excepting me, of course,

But fie!"

_He approaches her, touching her hair before pulling it roughly to make her face him._

"If you had spurned my pursuit,

or denied my wedding sooth,

Why, I think I might have…

Snapped."

_He snaps his fingers and releases her, twirls toward the open window, sings into the night._

"But you, my fille,

take direction well,

and understand selection well.

You saw the same thing I did –

Absolute perfection."

_He spins around a bed post and falls into the mattress. Propping on one elbow, he extends a hand to Narcissa. She rises and approaches him slowly. He continues singing._

"And we furthered that perfection

in our blissful procreation!

Draco is the culmination

Of the Malfoy name's duration.

And you can't deny his firm attraction."

_Narcissa allows Lucius to tug her onto the bed. She picks up the song, stares at the ceiling as Lucius kisses her chest and neck._

NM

"Husband, I don't deny your statement.

Draco is my dragon perfect.

My eyes of silver,

Your hair of flax,

Beauty he shall never lack."

_Lucius kisses down her body, chuckling as the stage darkens on all but her face. Narcissa looks completely apathetic and sings a slow, drumming aside._

NM

"Yes, my perfect Draco…

My charming, disarming dragon…

May your father never know

'tis your touch that I imagine."

_Her face finally darkens as the window lights. There, in the shadows, Draco half emerges. He wears a half-buttoned oxford with sleeves rolled and a black fedora. He commences a Michael Jackson-influenced soft shoe on his amorous parents' balcony. The tune is that of 'Mack the Knife.' It is not Draco singing, but several peacocks perched on the balcony railing._

PEACOCKS (Track Seven: That Malfoy Boy)

"Oh, that Malfoy boy –

with his teeth straight –

and his wand just like

the darkened night."

_Draco leaps onto the balcony railing and continues his dance. Peacocks continue singing._

"If he had wings he

might just be Icarus,

but he's cursed to be

Oedipus."

_A crescendo. One peacock's clear voice rises above the others dramtically._

"And now a plan forms

beneath those silken locks

and we assure you it –

really ROCKS!"

_Drums and cymbals crashing. Draco swings around a trellis to his own balcony and dances there. The peacocks offer choral accompaniment._

PEACOCKS

"Soon that boy will be

the man of this great house

but not by acting

like a mouse."

_Draco leaps to the balcony floor and moonwalks into his room. He twirls, cocks his fedora, and pulls his wand from his sleeve. A wave of it pops open a drawer in a large chiffarobe, and Draco smoothly extracts an elaborate crystal bottle. The peacocks perch on his balcony now, watching him and still singing._

"That potion in his hands

will end his troubled mind,

and the life of

another maaaan.

The Malfoy boy will have

What he wants most and that's

The wife of

Another maaaan."

_The song's climax sees Draco smirking and undressing, preparing for bed amidst a flurry of drums and trumpets. Peacocks finish their song while Draco slides the bottle into his pillow._

"That Malfoy boy will be

his mother's bread and butter!

All it takes is

A little muuuuurder!"

_A final flourish and the stage goes black._

**Act IV: Don't Stop Dancing**

_Narcissa bathes in a garden tub piled high with dense bubbles. Her hair is piled atop her head and her lips are a deep red. The music is modern techno, almost industrial. She is half singing, half rapping._

NM (Track Eight: Not this Witch)

"He thinks he can

manipulate me.

Thinks he can

Subjugate me

Till I'm numbed to the switch?

Fuck that –

Not this witch.

My husband

Thinks me daft.

Thinks I'll bow

And kiss his ass

Like a tamed, trained bitch?

Fuck that –

Not this witch."

_She snaps her fingers. An elf in a blonde wig and glittery tea towel appears, holding out a large, red towel. As Narcissa leaves her bath – bubbles obscuring her nudity – she continues snapping to the beat. A similar elf appears each time she snaps and soon, they are her backup dancers. The music shifts to a driving tempo, rock guitar joins the techno groove._

NM

"This witch found the only

solution to the lonely

in the arms of a newbie –

her sweet and gentle boy.

This witch got fed up with

Waking up in bed with

Her old , dried up mistake –

_The dance pauses and Narcissa speaks this line directly to the audience._

But, oh – she won't break."

_The elves commence break-dancing around her. Two of them lift Narcissa, carrying her to her bedroom. She sings as they rush her to a sheer dressing screen._

"Not this witch!

Oh no – not this witch.

She's embracing a new lover,

And embracing the word 'bitch.'

_Behind the screen, Narcissa dresses. The audience sees just the shadow of her naked body. She dances as clothing is pulled over the screen and onto her body. She emerges in a long, clinging silver dress with high slits up each thigh. Her elves pop and lock behind her._

"Not this witch!

Oh no – not this witch.

She's hatching an escape plan

And looking for an axe man."

_Suddenly, Draco sweeps into her room and pulls her against him. They begin to dance a la 'Dirty Dancing,' elves pairing off behind them. Draco joins the song, tempo slows to a sultry beat._

DM

"Did you say 'axe man?'"

NM

"I did."

_Draco dips her, then lifts her leg onto his hip._

DM

"Perhaps its time we discussed that plan?"

NM

"What plan?"

DM

"The one wherein we kill a man."

_Music stops abruptly. Narcissa twirls away. Elves disappear in loud pops. She regards him from a few feet away, breathing heavily. Music begins slow – with a reggae, island feel. Steel drums and marimba. Think 'The Little Mermaid'…_

NM (Track Nine: Kill the Man)

"Draco watch out!

That kinda talk is dangerous."

DM

"Mum I know that.

I've given this a lot of thought.

But the facts are there

You're sad and in despair,

So come on and

Kill the man."

NM

"Son, I love that

I'm foremost in your every thought.

But if we're found out

It stands without a doubt

We'll go to

Azkaban!"

_Several peacocks linger on Narcissa's balcony. Their harmonious voices drift in on the breeze._

PEACOCKS

"La la la la la la come on now!

You'll be together now!

Go on and

Kill the man!"

_Draco and Narcissa begin to dance a formal waltz to the singing. The elves pop back one by one, joining in with the peacock chorus._

ELVES

"Whoa-oh! La la la la la la do it now!

It can be painless now!

Come on and

Kill the man!"

DM

"He's a bastard, mum

and now you've got your son.

Come on, let's

Kill the man."

NM

"I know he's a jerk,

but could it really work

if we were to

kill the man?"

ELVES/PEACOCKS

"La la la la la la don't look back!

The knife is in his back!

Go on, now

Kill the man!

Woah-oh! Sha na na na na na!

He's a git

Who won't be really missed!

Come on and

Kill the man!"

DM (shrugging)

"They have a point, mum…

What do we lose if we try?

So long as he just dies –

Come on, let's

Kill the guy!"

_Peacocks and elves continue to serenade the Malfoys. They dance onto the balcony. In the moonlight, Narcissa touches Draco's face. He looks down at her, leaning in for a kiss. She stops his lips with her fingers. Elves and peacocks drop to low timbres. Music slows._

NM

"Hush now, Draco.

You've got me convinced –

I'm sliding off the fence.

Let's try to

Kill the man."

_They kiss at last. Peacocks and elves resume their high timbre. Music builds and the couple dances again as the scene fades to black._

**AN: **Shanks to Michael Jackson, Madonna, Bobby Darin, Rex Harrison and Disney's _The Little Mermaid _for inspiration. Acts V and VI on the way...our musical adventure comes to an end. Thanks for jumping on board the crazy train. And yes, elves are prefectly capable of popping and locking.


	3. Acts V and VI

Our Fair Malfoys

**Act V: A Dinner to Die For**

_The Malfoys are dining, seated at their usual places. They are dressed formally, each in varying shades of dark red or burgundy. Draco is singing – unnoticed by his parents. The song is a slow one, heavy with violin and bordering on operatic._

DM (Track Ten: One Last Formal Dinner)

"This is the last

formal dinner

we shall have to know.

Soon mum and I

Without frock or tie

Will eat what we sow.

The king will die

And then shall I

Rule this ruined roost.

You know the story.

I'll win the lady,

And instate our former glory."

_He gestures across the table to his mother who is pouring wine for Lucius._

DM

"Look how she plies him with wine.

Quickly arrives his time,

For he drinks like a fish

And we've sweetened each sip

With a dose of death's inescapable grip.

Tonight, she'll be mine

And we shan't have to hide,

For we will have bested

And come out the winners

At this our last formal dinner."

_Lucius' head begins to nod. He shakes himself and tries to reconcile his wits. Narcissa looks across the table to Draco, resumes the song._

NM

"Look how the man shakes his head.

The brew is faster than it said!

It shall work like a charm,

Land me in my son's arms,

And free me of this bastard's bed!

Oh, Draco, my co-conspirator,

My son, my lover, my fellow sinner.

We've done it now –

Look how he bows!

At this our last formal dinner."

_Lucius pushes away from the table. The music turns cacophonic. Lucius stumbles to his wife, he gasps out of cadence._

LM

"Narcissa! My wife!

Something ails me!

Torment! Strife!

Senses fail me!"

_Draco rises, comes to stand behind his father._

DM

"You should sit down, father.

You've drunk too much wine, father.

You're being a bother

To mother. Making such a scene

At our last formal dinner.

_Lucius falls to the floor, turns to blink up at Draco. Dramatically, he reaches an arm to his son._

LM

"Last formal dinner?

Draco, help daddy!

I – I can't stand, see?

My god, I can't breathe!

Someone help me!"

_Lucius tries to crawl away. Draco stops him with a foot on his back. Narcissa rushes to the scene. Lucius groans, reaches out to her._

LM

"Last…formal…dinner…

Narcissa…my son…

I think…I am dying…

I think…I am done…"

_He stills and falls to the floor. Still standing with a foot propped on his father's back, Draco reaches for Narcissa. She twirls into his embrace and he lifts her over Lucius' corpse. A traditional, sweeping waltz begins a la "The King and I." Draco and Narcissa dance with great pomp._

DM and NM (Track Eleven: Isn't It Grand?)

"Is it true?

Is it real?

Can it be as I feel?

It's just freedom!

We can sing!

We can dance!

(DM only)I can eat without pants!

This is freedom!"

NM

"Isn't it marvelous?

Isn't it grand?

This feat we accomplished

With our joined hands?"

DM

"It's marvelous!

Simply grand!

It's sweet and neat,

A rare honorable treat!"

_They dance up onto the dinner table, kicking dishes out of the way, treading on food._

NM

"I worried there'd be remorse –

I'd feel sad. But how wrong I was!

It's incredible!

It's grand!"

DM

"I can kiss you at breakfast!"

LM

"And that's grand!"

DM

"I can ogle your pert breasts!"

LM

"How bloody grand!"

DM

"And I can slide your hand…"

LM

"Oh? Some place grand?"

DM

"Hahaha! Yes, madame!"

_The music slows. They slow to a sway, clothes stained with food and wet with wine. Narcissa strokes Draco's face thoughtfully._

NM

"Draco you shall take his place, now,

in every little way now.

Will you take me up those stairs, now?"

_Draco begins lowering her to the mess on the table, singing sensually._

DM

"He's nowhere near, now.

No one left to fear, now.

I will take you right here, now."

_They kiss as the stage darkens. Narcissa sighs a final lyric._

NM

"Isn't this just grand, now?"

_They chuckle lowly. Fade to black._

**Act VI: Epitaphs and Epilogs**

_A funeral is in progress in a small cemetery. Lucius' coffin is solid black and highly polished. A huge spray of white roses obscures the top of it. Draco and Narcissa wear all black, but highly sequined dress clothes. Her skirt is scandalously short for a funeral, and the rose in Draco's lapel is bright red. Malfoy Manor looms in the background. There are only three people present. A formally robed wizarding minister wearing sparkling spectacles stands at an ornate podium ready to sing Lucius' eulogy. It's none other than: Sir Elton John. Narcissa and Draco bow to him as he begins to sing._

SEJ (Track Twelve: Douche Without a Clue)

"Good-bye, Lucius Malfoy.

Though I never

Knew you at all.

Your family paid me

To come here today

And sing about your fall."

_Narcissa weeps softly into a linen kerchief. Draco pulls her to him consolingly._

SEJ

"I hear you were a Slytherin,

And that you gained some fame

Being a bitch for Voldemort,

And thus destroyed your name."

_Draco sobs loudly – or is it a laugh – into his mother's shoulder._

SEJ

"So it seems to me

You lived your life

Like a douche without a clue.

Left the grunt work

For your boy and

Lovely wife to do.

So I didn't care to know you,

And what's in your past

Tells me that your being gone…

Is no skin off of my ass."

_Draco and Narcissa begin to slow dance._

SEJ

"I heard about the inquest,

and that they found no foul play.

That was surprising, I must say.

Cuz if you weren't exanimate,

Well I just might

Kill you today.

Because it seems to me

You lived your life

Like a douche without a clue.

And now your son

And wife must repair

Your mess

With magic glue.

It's true I didn't know you,

But I still sang this song.

I don't feel bad by saying

I made it up as I went along."

_Elton repeats the chorus soulfully one more time. Draco and Narcissa join in. Elton leaves the podium to come and dance with them in a three-person embrace. The music fades and Elton leaves them with a sympathizing gaze. They wave him away sadly, then turn to Lucius' coffin. It begins to lower slowly into the ground. Elves converge in black tea towels and veiled hats. White peacocks gather around, and as The Rolling Stones' "Sympathy for the Devil" plays, the birds sway and sing along. The elves perform a gyrating tribal dance to the drumbeats. In the foreground, Draco and Narcissa dance close together, his hands on her arse. They share a lingering kiss and smile triumphantly at one another as the scene fades to black._

AN: Wow. If you're reading this, you are a trooper. I thank you for bearing with me through this ordeal. I promise it is out of my system. I will never write another musical. Thanks out to _The King and I_ and the amazing Sir Elton John for his cameo appearance and his lovely _Candle in the Wind_ which I wholly bastardized here. Also let me thank The Rolling Stones for _Sympathy for the Devil_, which may be too good for Lucius, but the elves couldn't tribal dance to anything else.


End file.
